just come out here and I will go home with you...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
