I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
