Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
