I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
