I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
