Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
