I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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