toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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