Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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