Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I love you. Go after that dick
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
