Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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