I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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