I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
