my phone needs a breathalizer
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
