Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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