Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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