I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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