I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
