the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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