Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
