so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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