when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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