I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
