i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
