My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
