I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
