So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
