Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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