My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
