Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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