i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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