Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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