I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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