Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
