Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
