im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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