dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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