Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
In the future we'll all be gay
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
