just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
