Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
