k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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