I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
