oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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