Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
