ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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