i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
