you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
