youre lurking in front of me
My friends, they love my intelligence
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
