Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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