My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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