My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
